A Pelgrimage to ‘Home’
A pelgrimage to “home”
What is “home”?
Is it a place? A feeling? A state of being?
How is home? How does it feel? What does it look like?
5 years ago, I moved to a small house on De Borgwal in Groningen. On the ground floor, with a small garden, in my preferred neighbourhood. There were 7 interested canditates before me on the list and all of them rejected the house. It was meant to be… This house was meant for me! Yes, it was dirty.. there was a lot of work to be done. And the amount of work I have put in to rub the old tenant out of the house, bring my energy in, and make it a nice place was tremendous. But oh, how I have felt at home there… A place where I could stay and did not have to leave. A place that was all for me. It was the first house that I had all for myself. I had always lived together, with family, friends, fellow students, or a partner. And my, how much had I needed a place of my own, after years of moving country or even continent and months of staying at family or friends’ houses, all during a pretty heavy and long burn-out. Finally I had a place of my own, where I could do things my way.. where I did not have to account for anyone else. A place where I could scream, shout, cry, laugh, stomp, shake and dance, as loud and wild as I wanted – without bothering anyone. A place where I could be in silence, alone, with my own process. Where I would not be disturbed or distracted by anyone, where I did not have to be social.
It was my safe haven. My space where I could decide whom I allowed in, where I could recharge, and ‘protect’ my own energy.
“It’s so lovely here” many visitors said about my place. Somewhat surprised, as though they had not expected such loveliness in that street. An Oasis of loveliness on De Borgwal: De Borgwal Oase… De Boase.
I felt proud of the warm and lovely space I had created there… The loving, soft energy and peace I had brought into it. I enjoyed that others could appreciate this. And I enjoyed that I could Be and stay there. I felt grateful…
Until last summer…
A concussion.
Suddenly I could not endure the city anymore. The traffic, the chaos, the hustle and bustle outside made me not want to leave the house. Inside I felt locked up, the walls coming at me, and the noise and bustle from outside coming in. My lovely house was not a safe haven anymore. I could not recharge or protect my energy… I could no longer decide what entered into my space. De Borgwal Oase was no longer an oasis for me. I no longer felt at home in my home.
Also this past summer, when my head had recovered, there was still leftover injury from the concussion, or rather from the process of recovery. My house no longer felt like home. I felt a lot of resistance to being at home and was constantly looking for possibilities to live or stay outside the city, in or near the woods. Only at the end of the summer, I realized how much time and energy I had spent, or ‘leaked’, to constantly searching for the next nice place to be; a place where I felt at home and experienced peace. In a certain way, it was a flight from the city, from the overwhelm, the feelings of aggitation and not feeling at home.
I had already planned to travel to South America after the summer, to look for / find my home in the jungle. But in order to travel in that direction, I had to prepare my house at the Borgwal to be sublet. I was not ready to terminate my tenancy completely, but deep inside I knew it would not be nor ever truly become my home anymore, even if/when I were to return to the Netherlands. My home of the past few years was no longer my home. Period. I had outgrown her.
It was time for a new home. A place that better suited me: my true self, whom I am embodying ever more. A place closer to nature… to my nature.
I felt so much resistance to start this process. Resistance to spending time in my little house in the city, which did not feel like home anymore, but also resistance to saying goodbye to my home of the past several years; Resistance to face – to réally experience and acknowledge – that I did not feel at home anymore. Resistance to close off this period.. a period of inner growth, self-connection, awakening.. a quest for myself; a period of learning to take up space, to receive, and to acknowledge and express my needs, desires, and boundaries; And especially a period of burn-out, overwhelm, isolation, and cocooning; A period in which it was important to create a safe, comfortable place and space for myself, and to allow myself to stay within my comfort zone for a change, rather than pushing myself. This period, this process had been extremely important for me. And of course the growth, learning and awakening process continues. I will continue to grow, learn and awaken my whole life. However, the time has come to emerge from my cocoon and spread my wings… to step out of my comfort zone of eternal learning and becoming and to show myself to the world; to present myself and contribute… to live the life that truly suits me, in which I express myself and my soul’s deepest desires… to find and claim my home (my space, my place in the world). And boy, is that scary! No longer hiding behind a burn-out and having low energy, no longer withdrawing in my little shell where I don’t really have to show myself.
Turns out it was not that strange that I was feeling resistance and waited until the last moment to say goodbye to everyone, sort out and discard or pack my stuff, clean and clear out the house and prepare it for subletting, and fit and pack everything I really wanted to keep with me in one backpack. With a flight to and dance retreat in Mexico waiting for me, I completed the leaving and farewell process very last-minute and at breakneck spead. And on 11th of November, a year after my self-marriage ceremony, my ‘pelgrimage to ‘home’’ started; a quest for my new home; a journey to (taking up and claiming) my space: a space to be, to share, to express, to show (myself); an environment which feels natural to me and suits who I really am and what I wish to bring into this world and experience in this life.
In case you have not heard much from me lately – or in the past few months – or if you have not seen me before I left, this post might give some context and understanding for that. And with this writing, I set the intention to express and show myself more and share about my journey: my pelgrimage.
To read the post in Dutch, go to:
