Out of the Rat Race, Back to my Connected Self

Rat-race: “A way of life in modern society, in which people compete with each other for power and money” (Cambridge Dictionary)

“A rat race is an endless, self-defeating, or pointless pursuit …It may also refer to a competitive struggle to get ahead financially or routinely” (Wikipedia)

The last few weeks I felt myself being pulled into and carried away in what I identified as a rat race… an endless and self-defeating pursuit to get ahead financially, or rather to survive; really in a state of struggle, ‘need’, and disconnected hard work; a state of scarcity and survival.

A bit over a month ago, I decided to rent a beautiful and magical fairy house in the jungle near Playa del Carmen for a period of three months. I have shared elsewhere about this decision and the process surrounding it. But the reality I was and have been living, was that I could not actually afford the house financially – I literally had just enough money for three months of rent and would have to find a way to garner an income to eat and live/survive during and after that time. I decided to rent it because I felt in need of a space where my creativity could flow and where I could share my talents and gifts with the world (hold ceremonies, circles, sessions, and other conscious gatherings), a space where I could BE and invite others into that space. And so I rented it with the goal of activating the space – or rather activate myself – and make the house a shared creative, conscious, and sacred space… and I had only three months to make that happen and reap the fruits.

Of course, life unfolds at a different pace and in a different way than I had ‘planned’ and envisioned. Both the house and I needed more time to get used to each other, and get ready to share and be shared. Only after moving here, I realized how much I had needed this space.. space for myself, a space to be at home; space to BE. And yet, during my first month in the house, my space got ‘invaded’ at least once a week by a team of volunteers coming in to fix the leaking roof which was supposed to get fixed before I moved in. And while this process was taking longer than planned, whenever it was raining outside, it was raining inside the house as well. And this was just one of the challenges. The days leading up to my housewarming / open house, at the end of my first month here, although there was water coming in through the roof, I had no water running from the tap; both of which got fixed only the day before the open house.

So even one month into my stay at the magical fairy house (Casa de las Hadas), both the house and myself were not really ready for such a sharing / opening of the space. The open house / housewarming, was intended to be both a ceremonial and celebratory opening of the house to be a sacred and conscious (shared) space and a taster of what this would be, feel and look like. However, I had focussed all my time, attention and energy on inviting (and almost convincing) people (to come) to the event and on preparing the physical space, while tackling all the challenges that presented themselves in this process. And so I had not been able to get myself ready to share my gifts and talents; nor to host 18 people in my space, let alone in the conscious and sacred way/space I had envisioned: so I was not able to give a ‘proper’ taster.

At the end of the day, my housewarming, and the days after, I felt grateful but drained, and it took me a while to recover, process, integrate, and reflect on the day and my experience of it. The realizations that came out of this reflection and integration time were manyfold, some of which I (will) share elsewhere. Here, I would like to touch on one realization in particular, regarding why I felt so drained. Although there are several factors involved, the main reason was the ‘rat-race’ I had gotten into: acting and communicating from (or really Being in) a sense of scarcity, ‘need’; from a state of survival, and disconnectedness; from the idea that I need to work hard to get my needs met, and to convince others of my value.

I had been living in the story that I needed to open my house and activate myself and the space as soon as possible to start generating an income; that I needed to get the word out to as many people as possible; that I needed to convince people to come to the event so that they could meet and experience the space and so that the event would be a success; that it needed to be perfect so that my guests would want to come back, spread the word or co-create with me; and that I needed to work very hard to make all this happen. I had been focussing on getting my needs fulfilled externally – “an endless, self-defeating and pointless pursuit”; a state of scarcity and survival.

And although I have been realizing this and noticing what it does to my energy; my emotional, mental and physical state; my creative flow; my inspiration and motivation, I have found it extremely difficult to leave this rat race. I have felt myself being caught up in and clinging to this idea of external ‘need’, this habit of focusing my attention on the external (connection) before the internal (connection). Now that I have opened my space, I find myself in the ban of the story that I need to organise and host activities and events as soon and as frequently as possible; of the idea that I need to promote my events extensively and convince people of the value of them to get enough participants; and of the habit of focusing on promoting the events more than actually preparing and enjoying them.

As with everything, it is a decision to step out of this race; to leave the story, idea and habit behind; Today, I decide to tell myself another story; and make a commitment to doing things differenly; to act and live from a different state – a state of abundance and fulfillment. The reality I decide to live in is that I have everything I need at this very moment and anything I may need in the future will be there when I need it. In this present moment, I live in a magical jungle where I can live the way I want to live – in connection with the jungle, with myself and my nature, exploring my inner landscapes, enjoying my process and sharing about it; and I have a beautiful space where I can Be, create, and share myself and my talents; where I can invite people into my oasis, the sacred, conscious and safe space that I create, firstly for myself.

Today, I choose to focus on and enjoy what I have in this moment; living the life that I wish to live; creating and guarding a sacred and nurturing space for myself first and then inviting others into it. Today, I choose to trust that I will be able to share what I am meant to share; that the people with whom it resonates will find their way to the space I have created; and that living from trust, abundance and fulfillment will bring more abundance and fulfillment and more reasons to trust. Today, I commit to living in and from trust, abundance, wholeness, self-nourishment and connectedness rather than worry, fear and external validation & fulfillment. I dedicate myself to embodying first that which I am intending to promote: a connected, aligned, natural, truthful, graceful, conscious, sacred and embodied life.